Before you gasp over the omission of S. E. Hinton’s Sodapop and Ponyboy (to say nothing of Huckleberry Finn)—relax, man! We can hardly remember what we read last week. And let’s stay aboard the Relaxation Express: the books on this list are mostly quite good, some of them outright great, but we’re going to poke fun at them anyway because funny fun is fun.
50. Cornelius Leather, Kip McKenzie, Biff Futterman, and Mercy St. Johns (from The Death and Life of Zebulon Finch, Vol. 1: At the Edge of Empire, by Daniel Kraus)
You’re damn right I’m safeguarding myself by putting these on the list.
49. Caymen Meyers (from The Distance Between Us, by Kasie West)
I think I bought my last suit at Caymen-Meyers.
48. Caro Mitchell (from The Opposite of Hallelujah, by Anna Jarzab)
Carol lost the L off her name?! Dang, that is the opposite of hallelujah.
47. Bray Garrison (from Summer by Summer, by Heather Burch)
Gotta be short for something. Brayleigh? Braymee? Brayngie?
46. Handel Davies (from The Tenderness of Thieves, by Donna Freitas)
Davies’ Messiah just doesn’t have the same ring.
45. Haven McPhail (from That Summer, by Sarah Dessen)
Keep picturing a luxury hotel for quails.
44. Freesia Summers (from Bubble World, by Carol Snow)
Freesia Summers is the best flavor of seltzer water Bubble World Corp makes!
43. Cricket Bell (from Lola and the Boy Next Door, by Stephanie Perkins)
No doubt the psychopathic villain.
42. Wicket Tate (from Remember Me, by Romily Bernard)
Everyone’s favorite Ewok.
41. Eevee Solomon (from Now That You’re Here, by Amy K. Nichols
Can we buy a consonant?
40. Dymphna Campbell (from Razorhurst, by Justine Larbelestier)
Waiter, I’m sorry, but we ordered Dim Sum.
39. Jake and Jaycee Strangelove (from You Were Here, by Cori McCarthy)
These two better be mad scientists.
38. Tally Youngblood (from Uglies, by Scott Westerfeld)
Brought to you by Google’s new Three-Word Randomizer.
37. Breezy Lin (from Shallow Graves, by Kali Wallace)
Everything’s great for Breezy! She’s breezy! SHALLOW GRAVES.
36. Coe Kettlefish (from Drowned, by Nichola Reilly)
Sauteed or fried, your choice.
35. Wren and Lark Noble (from Sisters of Blood and Spirit, by Kady Cross)
Kidlit is full of characters named Wren, but none so noble as thee.
34. Anouk Genevieve van Roijer-Peerenboom (from A Drop of Night, by Stefan Bachmann)
This name really goes in a different direction than the others. Respect.
33. Lander Allerdon (from No Such Person, by Caroline B. Cooney)
In the proud tradition of occupational names like Hunter, Baker, Fielder, Gardener. Kinda?
32. Lady Truthful Newington (from Newt’s Emerald, by Garth Nix)
She goes by “Newt.” And that’s the truth(ful).
31. Oona Antunes (from The View From Who I Was, by Heather Sappenfield)
The sound my dog makes when he yawns.
30. Very Woodruff (from Very in Pieces, by Megan Franzer Blakemore)
Now that’s a once-in-lifetime name!
29. Very LeFreak (from Very LeFreak, by Rachel Cohn)
We stand corrected.
28. Nearly Boswell (from Nearly Gone, by Elle Cosimano)
Nearly, poor child, have you met Very?
27. Blue Sargent (from The Raven Cycle series by Maggie Stiefvater)
The chief Blue Meanie from Yellow Submarine.
26. Normandy Pale (from The Truth Commission, by Susan Juby)
Radical name for a D-Day movie, though.
25. Polarity Weeks (from Polarity in Motion, by Brenda Vicars)
NASA’s technical term for the amount of time that—forget it, you wouldn’t understand.
24. Lady Katsa, Prince Po, and Bitterblue (from The Graceling Books by Kristin Cashore)
But which of them will win the Grammy this year?
23. Alaska Young (from Looking for Alaska, by John Green)
A famous dessert. Really tasty but not all that filling. (Zing!)
22. Four Eaton (from Divergent, by Veronica Roth)
Hey, a character named after a number. What could go wrong?
21. Eight Beaufort (from Compulsion, by Martina Boone)
Oh. This isn’t good.
20. Ten Lockwood (from Firstlife, by Gena Showalter)
All right, this is officially a problem.
19. Tens Valdes (from Meridian, by Amber Kizer)
18. Poppy, Wink, Alabama, Leaf, and Midnight (from Wink Poppy Midnight, by April Genevieve Tucholke)
And that’s before we meet Squint, Cucumber, Delaware, Cheerios, and Zingblop.
17. Magnus Bane (from City of Bones, by Cassandra Clare)
Imagine you’re given this name and you end up a scrawny little mathlete. Thanks, Obama.
16. Patch Cipriano (from Hush, Hush, by Becca Fitzpatrick)
Headaches? Nausea? Try Cipriano™—now available in a patch!
15. Indio McCracken (from Cut Off, by Jamie Bastedo)
Indiana Jones’ cat.
14. Echo Emerson (from Pushing the Limits, by Katie McGarry)
This name really pushes the limit. Look, I’m running out of jokes here.
13. Anthem Fleet (from The Brokenhearted, by Amelia Kahaney)
Words Military Together Jammed.
12. Higgs Boson Bing (from The Kidney Hypothetical, by Lisa Yee)
Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says he’s not welcome there. Higgs Boson replies, “But without me, how can you have mass?” Bing!
11. Nikki Kill (from Shade Me, by Jennifer Brown)
Previously seen in Taylor Swift’s Bad Blood video.
10. Jazz Dent (from I Hunt Killers, by Barry Lyga)
Coltrane used to really tear it up at New York City’s The Jazz Dent.
9. Tretch Farm (from Anything Could Happen, by Will Walton)
True, tretch farms have limited value, but where else are you going to get your tretches?
8. Twom Twomey (from The Tragic Age, by Stephen Metcalfe)
Prospective VP candidate of Governor Chwis Chwisty.
7. Chet Falconer (from Dangerous Lies, by Becca Fitzpatrick)
Get this guy a soap opera, STAT.
6. America Singer (from The Selection, by Kiera Cass)
Middle sibling of Canada Dancer and Mexico Mime.
5. Chaol Westfall (from Throne of Glass, by Sarah J. Maas)
Chaol me now.
4. Jam Gallahue (from Belzhar, by Meg Wolitzer)
Four random syllables chosen from a Pentacostal speaking in tongues.
3. Katniss Everdeen, Peeta Mellark, Caesar Flickerman, Seneca Crane, and Effie Trinket (from The Hunger Games trilogy by Suzanne Collins)
Generations of ridiculous names begin here. Thank you, Ms. Collins.
2. Renesmee Carlie Cullen (from Breaking Dawn, by Stephenie Meyer)
1. Tookie De La Créme (from Modelland, by Tyra Banks)
Yes. Oh, yes.